Every year, THE hot topic surfaces: “Is Santa real?” The debate rages from the hallowed halls of academia to church pews to virtually every water cooler in America. No one is immune; you will almost assuredly have to take a side.
After years of extensive research into this burning issue, it’s time to publish the findings. The verdict is in: Santa Claus does, in fact, exist! As an added bonus, the answers to all those questions every 6 year old badgers their parents with every Christmas are presented here. We’ll start with the ancillary questions, then proceed to the biggie – proof positive that the Big Guy in the Red Suit really does live!
HOW DOES HE DELIVER TO ALL THE KIDS IN ONE NIGHT?
This was revealed in the movie “Santa Claus” starring Dudley Moore and John Lithgow in 1985. In the pivotal scene, Father Time, (played by Burgess Meredith, no less, so you know it’s true), revealed that he would ‘suspend time”. Thus, the question of the physics of the sleigh and the consequent physics problems are rendered moot. No heat from the air friction, etc. With time suspended, Santa has all the time he needs to complete the mission at hand. Too bad parents don’t have this luxury while Christmas shopping… Also, remember that Santa only delivers to kids that believe and are on the “good” list. This cuts down on the total kids considerably.
OK, THEN HOW CAN NORAD TRACK HIM?
Santa, of course, has his playful side. He sends out a false signal that NORAD picks up. He thinks it’s funny…
HOW DOES SANTA GET ALL THE PRESENTS IN THE SLEGH?
Santa’s technological capabilities far exceed that of the CIA, NSA, DOD, and NASA combined. Santa’s engineers and scientists would make the techies in STAR WARS envious. As to how the presents get delivered, this massive logistical nightmare is handled quite smoothly, thank you very much. You don’t really think the elves get to take Christmas Eve off while the boss works, do you? As the elves track Santa, the presents are teleported to the sleigh continuously throughout the delivery schedule. In the vernacular, they are “beamed up”.
HOW DO THE REINDEER FLY?
Magic dust. Didn’t you see Peter Pan?
WHY DON’T THE ELVES FLY?
They do–we just don’t hear about it. They have races, tournaments...
WHY DON’T WE KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE ELVES?
They’re pretty shy and keep to themselves pretty much. They hate public exposure, and they’re very secretive.
HOW DOES SANTA KNOW WHO IS NAUGHTY AND WHO IS NICE?
This one is hotly contested by those in the field of Santaology. Not even the elves know this one. There are some things that Santa does keep to himself (kind of like the KFC recipe). Numerous papers have been written and presented at Santaology conventions on the topic advancing some outrageous theories, but the one that has the most credence is: Santa just KNOWS. Several things are known: He definitely does not maintain contact with any intelligence agencies, as has been reported. Also, despite the extraordinary level of technological sophistication at “the pole” (that’s how they refer to the place, by the way), there is no evidence of any “electrical spy network”. There have been sporadic reports of seeing a quill pen write all by itself in a big book! However, these sightings remain unproven, and usually dismissed as rumor. Exactly how he does it will, in all likelihood, remain a mystery.
WHY DIDN’T MY KID(S) GET WHAT THEY ASKED SANTA FOR LAST YEAR?
Let’s face it, only “good” kids that believe get what they ask for. Think about it: kids are a just reflection of their parents, so if your rott.. er, um, uh, little angel didn’t get what they asked for – just remember, the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.
WHAT DO I TELL MY KIDS IF WE DON’T HAVE A FIREPLACE?
Santa never does the fireplace thing anymore. Way too dirty… You don’t enter thru the fireplace, do you? Just tell then he comes thru the front door, like everybody else. The sled kept sliding off too many rooftops, so the ground works much better.
WHAT ABOUT THE MILK AND COOKIES?
Santa would really like it if you just left out an empty glass. Better yet, leave the glass of milk in the fridge so it stays cold. Trust me, he knows the way to the refrigerator. The milk gets way too warm and he gets really tired of puking up warm milk.
OK, WHAT PROOF DO YOU HAVE THAT SANTA EXISTS?
You didn’t really think I’d give that away THAT EASY , did you? That’ll cost you… go to www.proofpositivesantaexists.com. All major credit cards are accepted.